Ten Tips for Maintaining Self-esteem as You Age 

(Those who are so far actualized that their self-concept depends only on their inner beauty need read no farther.)

The older I get, the longer I spend taking care of my body suit—that is, the suit I was born in. I know that it will inevitably return to the dust from which it came, but I’d rather the transformation occurred after I’m dead—not while I’m still walking around in it.

Every year I have another body part to cover. The midriff was the first to go—followed by the upper arms, the thighs, the knees, the neck, and finally the toes. (When I get a pedicure, I look for a big strong manicurist, not the dainty little Asian girls, but one strong enough to wield the pruners necessary for the job.)

 I resent the inordinate amount of time spent preserving what I have left. Four or five hours a week at yoga or power walking, colonoscopies, bone density tests, annual physicals, mammograms, six-month dental appointments, occasional manicures, pedicures in the summer, quarterly eye appointments (glaucoma), Lumosity to keep my brain sharp, hair cuts and highlighting, brushing and flossing, and applying makeup and skin products. (Lest you think me self-absorbed and shallow, note that I spend only 10% of my waking hours worrying about such trivial matters. The rest of the time I devote to serious topics such as world peace and global warming.)

All of this effort is not producing desired results. The mirror is not my friend. I am seriously considering converting to Islam so that only my eyes show in public. Lucky for you, I have discovered some short cuts that will help you maintain your self-esteem with much less effort. You won’t find these tips in Vogue or Bazaar.


1. Do not under any circumstances look downward into a mirror.

2. Take showers not baths. Standing upright eliminates the folds of fat visible while sitting in the tub. Besides, a sixty-plus woman leaning over the tub to adjust the water is a frightening picture.

3. In intimate situations (if you are lucky enough to still have them), remember your face looks much better when reclining.

4. Never take selfies.

5. Don’t let anyone post candid shots on Facebook

6.  Don’t wave when wearing a sleeveless dress. Better yet, don’t wear a sleeveless dress.

7. Change the lighting in your home to low wattage, pink bulbs. You may not be able to read, but you will look better.

8. If you have walls of mirrors as we do in our bathroom, have them removed, or cover them. A magnifying hand mirror will suffice for grooming.

9.  Use said mirror to police for errant hairs cropping up in unfitting places, e.g., your chin or nostrils.

10.  Shop for bathing suits from a catalogue that accepts returns. Or take a friend to the store to help you choose. Looking in a full length mirror hoping to find a flattering suit is an exercise in futility and a recipe for depression.

Please don’t tell me that that I am lucky to have a house, and a mirror, and teeth. I know my problems are of the First World variety, but I happen to live in a First World country.