When Facebook Becomes Toxic

I like Facebook. At best, it is a marvelous marketing tool and a connector of people with similar interests. I love keeping up with friends, seeing pictures of old schoolmates, and hearing about the activities of far-off relatives. I get new recipes, healthy living tips, and book recommendations. During this pandemic, particularly, it provides a connection that helps me feel less isolated. 

At worst, it is a colossal waste of time, a tool for procrastination, and a source of tremendous stress. Facebook exposure can even lead to a newly identified malady—Facebook depression. Although unrecognized by the American Psychological Association :),  the Urban Dictionary defines it thus:

“When you're on Facebook and see your friends looking like they're living amazing lives while you're feeling like you're just barely making it and you become sadder and sadder with each update you see.”

Facebook provides a digital replacement for the much-maligned, often ridiculed, stereotypical Christmas newsletter. You know the kind:

 

We had to cut our trip to Rome short to make it home in time for little John’s graduation from Harvard. Hard to believe he’s our third to graduate magna cum laude from an Ivy League school. Deidre is enjoying married life and so grateful that she can be a stay at home mom since Gottfried sold the business to Dell last year. Both of the grandchildren will be in camps this summer—Hermione at Interlochen and Sebastian at the Duke Early Talent Identification Program. You may have read about Oliver’s grant for cancer research. We’re so proud of him. Just hoping they can all find time to visit us in the Hamptons this summer.


If your mood takes a plummet after a stint on FB, you might try:

1. Limiting your exposure. Facebook can be addictive. You don’t need to get on every day. Try every other day or once a week or you might even consider abstinence.

2. Clean out your friend list. If there are particular people whose posts rub you the wrong way, temporarily block them. The gag reflex is a good measure of which friends should go.

3. Find some new “friends.” Search for pages that have a positive effect. 

4. Don’t feel guilty if reading about others’ good fortune is difficult. There are times when you have to protect yourself by separating from anything or anyone who brings you down—intentionally or more often, thoughtlessly.

Facing the New Normal

All of us are facing a new normal, and adjusting to a new normal requires resilience. 

Over our long journey with lung cancer, I came to know many survivors and co-survivors (caregivers). Those in both categories who survived well shared certain qualities, the most important of which is resilience—the ability to recover quickly from illness, change, or misfortune; buoyancy. 

After adjusting to a new normal following my husband's terminal cancer diagnosis and another new normal after his death, I thought I was fairly resilient. But the circumstances we are facing now may be the straw that breaks this camel's back. I feel about as likely to bounce back as that deflated soccer ball.

 Some lucky people have built-in resilience from innate personality traits or learned belief systems. But what if you’re not one of them? Is it possible to develop resilience? I believe it is. And right now is a perfect time to work on it.

Five Steps to Greater Resilience

1. Release. Admit you are powerless. 

2. Reframe. Psychologists call this step restructuring your cognitions. Build positive emotions. Search for meaning in your suffering. Practice gratitude. Exercise benefit finding—the ability to find positive meaning in a traumatic life event. 

3. Reprioritize. Often this happens with no effort on your part. Sometimes with the onset of catastrophic illness or dramatic life change, your priorities automatically realign. Your circumstances offer you a new look at what is important. Others need to make a conscious effort to regroup. 

4. Reconnect—spiritually and relationally. Restore and strengthen family relationships. Strong support systems are crucial to adjustment. More importantly, this is the time to make friends with God.  

5. Recharge. Rest. Relax. Be kind to yourself. Nearly everyone is experiencing real loss with the epidemic–not just loss of life and livelihood but loss of activities and events that brought us great pleasure. Allow yourself to grieve and give vent to your very real emotions. 



Build your resilience now because as things re-open and the quarantine ends, we will face yet another new normal.

Axioms, Aphorisms, and Adages

Living in a multi-generational household, I grew up on a steady diet of proverbial sayings. Until I was an adult, I attributed most of them to my grandmother, never realizing that many of the truisms had been passed down for generations–some even originating in the Old Testament.

Before my mother died in 2008, my daughters and I asked her to write down as many of my grandma's "sayings" as she could remember. She gladly complied, leaving us with a four-page treasure in her own handwriting.

I have continued to share the wisdom gained at my grandma's knee with my own grandchildren and now I want to share bits of it with you. Let's start with one of my absolute favorites:

"'Everyone to their own notion,' said the old lady when she kissed the cow." This Wellerism is a humorous twist on the French proverb, "Chacun on son gous" or "Each to his own taste."

When I was in Europe a few years ago, I couldn't resist this opportunity. As they say, "A picture's worth a thousand words."

Life Lessons I've Learned from My Cat

1. Not everyone is going to like you. Who cares?
2. Mother was wrong. It’s better not to clean your plate.
3. Take a bath every day. Pay special attention to your ears and private parts.
4. Never beg. It is demeaning. 
5. Don’t accept some else’s leftovers. This applies to all areas of life.
6. Don’t perform on demand. You are  not a trained monkey.
7. Be discerning in your friendships.
8. It’s O.K. to be an introvert. 
9. Stretching is good for the body. 
10. Solitude is good for the soul.
11. Nap—preferably in the sunshine. 
12. Choose your own path. Don’t let anyone put a leash around your neck.
13. Tidy up after yourself when you use the bathroom.
14. Look before you leap. No one really has nine lives.
15. Be playful.
16. Live in the present.  
17. Cuddle with someone you love.
18. Don’t look for a fight but defend your territory if need be.
19. Avoid noise and confusion.
20. Eat, sleep, play, love. It’s enough

Twenty-five Mood Altering Movies

The corona virus is no laughing matter, but during this pandemic, laughing matters. Laughter reduces stress, improves memory, lowers cortisol, triggers the release of endorphins, and boosts T-cells. And it's free! Make laughter part of your daily routine. Turn off the news, get off Facebook, and try losing yourself in some of these movies. These are some of my old favorites. If your favorite isn't on the list, add it in a comment below.

Twenty-five Mood Altering Movies

When Harry Met Sally

Bringing Up Baby

Forget Paris

Meet the Parents

Zoolander

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Napoleon Dynamite

Little Miss Sunshine

City Slickers

A League of Their Own

As Good As It Gets

You’ve Got Mail

Analyze This

Private Benjamin

Tootsie 

Airplane

Nine to Five

Raising Arizona

Big

The Goodbye Girl

The In-laws (1979)

Father of the Bride (original and remake)

Some Like It Hot

Arsenic and Old Lace

Talladega Nights