For the Sake of Beauty

a handsome specimen from my backyard

Admittedly, vanity has led me to do some crazy things in my lifetime. For years, I slept in two-inch hair rollers—a practice that caused me to sleep on my face, nose in pillow, leading to premature wrinkling on the left side of my face. And, my foot is V shaped from wearing three-inch heel, pointy shoes that made my ankles look great while deforming my toes. And what girl of the sixties didn’t fry her body in the Mid-West summer sun with only a layer of baby oil and iodine between her youthful skin and the carcinogenic ultraviolet rays. 

 When I first read about Botox, I couldn’t imagine having my face injected with vials of a paralyzing botulism to keep a few wrinkles at bay. But as the wrinkles multiplied, my abhorrence abated, and I not only tried it—I liked it!  Though, no matter how wrinkled and saggy my face becomes, I’m not so sure I’ll ever assent to the newest anti-aging procedure—The Celebrity Escargot Course And no, it’s not the first course of a gourmet dinner.

The Celebrity Escargot Course, or snail facial, which started in China is now being performed at spas across the United States. For 300 dollars, you can have several of the slimy gastropods crawl over your face making minute holes with their little snail feet and depositing magic slime into your pores. I would no more eat snails than I would their cousins, slugs, and I most certainly don’t want them crawling over my face. 

Although the idea is appalling to me, I am not opposed to capitalistic enterprise and would be happy to perform the procedure for any of you. Let me know if you are interested and I’ll begin looking for some healthy specimens to launch my business. While I’m at it, I can probably find some nice leeches, if you are in need of some blood sucking.